- ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
In view, the bridge of the "Triumph of Will" spaceship. Captain Luc Pikirk is sitting on a dais in the centre. His crewmen are standing all over the bridge, pressing the buttons randomly.
Pikirk: Gentlemen and (turns to radioman Petrovich) comrade. We've received an urgent message from the Headquarters of the Headquarters of the Fleet. The nest ship of Czwakopashas approaches the Nibelung-4 planet. We are commanded to intercept and destroy it or die trying.
First Officer J'ohnny: Captain, it doesn't make sense. Why should we die, if we can run away in fear?
Pikirk: We shall discuss it when the time comes. Until then I want to know something about the race we're dealing with. Comrade Petrovich?
Petrovich: Why me? Damn it, Luc, I'm a radioman, not a doctor.
Pikirk: (Turns silently to Dr Ch'loss)
Ch'loss: Damn it, Luc, I'm a doctor, not a ufologist.
Pikirk: Okay. Is there anyone who knows something about Czwakopashas? Anyone. Just anyone. Come on, kids, don't be shy, raise your hands, I won't punish you, I promise.
Navigator Tiberius Pinochet: (Shyly raises his hand)
Pikirk: (Expresses interest)
Ch'loss: (Expresses interest)
Petrovich: (Expresses indifference)
J'ohnny: (Expresses rationality)
Pinochet: Gentlemen, we are aware that Czwakopashas invaded our systems from some other universe through the rift in the event horizon. They attack the planets of the Planets' Federations United Commonwealth and leave no survivors. Since no one who had met them survived, we can only conjecture how they look, but the scientists think that Czwakopashas look like two-meters-high skeleton slugs with six arms, and with flaming skulls instead of heads, and with eyes so black that anyone who would look in them, would go crazy with their blackness.
Dr Prof. Znoob Dogge: Is there a racist implication in your words?
Pikirk: Chill, Dr Prof. We live in the future, and there is no racism in the future.
J'ohnny: Makes sense, captain.
Outer space. An obscure space mass in the background. The Nibelung-4 planet in the middle ground. "Triumph of Will" falls out of hyperspace in the foreground. The action takes place on the bridge again.
Pinochet: We finished the hyperjump in the required coordinates.
Petrovich: Nest ship ahoy!
Pikirk: Open fire!
Crew: (Press the buttons randomly)
"Triumph of Will" and the nest ship start exchanging the laser blows. Lasers fly slowly and squeak disgustingly. That scene looks freaking cool. The action takes place on the bridge once again.
Petrovich: (Falls because of a direct hit taken by the ship, hits his head against the step and swears like a trooper in Russian)
Dogge: Do you know how we dealt with such killjoys when I was growing up in new New York ghetto?
J'ohnny: Captain, 'twas a direct hit. The barriers have fallen to minus forty percent.
Pinochet: We have to do something or we'll blow up.
J'ohnny: Isn't blowing up equal to "something"?
Pikirk: Weapons at full blast. Barriers at full blast, engines at full throttle. Press the buttons double quick.
A heavy explosion shakes "Triumph of Will". The screen darkens.
Pikirk: (Regains consciousness, stands up) What happened?
Petrovich: Captain, the nest ship had pierced our barriers and hull and hit the reactor. Radiation killed forty thousand members of our crew. The only survivors are us and our engineer Scotty McCallaghan.
Pikirk: (To the radio) Scotty, can you fix up this old tub?
Scotty's voice on the radio: Yeah, captain, took a lot of time and adhesive tape, but I'll be damned if the baby doesn't stand a direct hit of a space plutonium warhead now.
Dogge: What did he say, what was that language?
Ch'loss: It was Scottish accent. He said "Yeah, captain, took a lot of time and adhesive tape, but I'll be damned if the baby doesn't stand a direct hit of a space plutonium warhead now."
Pikirk: Thank you. You know much about languages of the Earth for an alien doctor. If only you knew that much in the human anatomy…
Ch'loss: And I told you "Appoint me an astrolinguist", but you wouldn't (mocking) "We already have a linguist from Africa, we don't need a second one. You'll be a doctor, okay? You will, like, treat us for space diseases. You have, like, a suitable face for that."
J'ohnny: Captain, while we're at it, I want to ask you something. Why do we need forty thousand crewmen if only six of us do all the work on the ship?
Pikirk: (Keeps silence meaningfully)
Several hours later Captain Pikirk lands to Nibelung-4. It is in ruins. Burnt corpses, exploded cars, bombed skyscrapers everywhere. Captain finds an alien woman dressed all according to customs of her kind, i.e. indecently.
Pikirk: Hi, I'm captain Pikirk. I guess it's hard to be the only survivor of the whole race. Let's make wild love.
Alien woman: (Makes wild love with Pikirk)
Several hours later, "Triumph of Will" bridge.
Ch'loss: Captain, I have terrible news. Our lady guest proved to be infected by alien nanovirus which was slowly turning her into a Czwakopasha. And since you made wild love with her you are infected too.
Pikirk: So what shall we do now?
Ch'loss: it was all over for her and I had to shoot her dead. But in your case we diagnosed the infection just in time, and we can fight it off now by giving you a shot of three cubic centimetres of space penicillin. However, at this moment we know what the Czwakopashas are after: they turn sapient beings into ones of their kind. Seems like they can not propagate normally anymore.
Pikirk: What a pity, she was my only love.
J'ohnny: She and another hundred and forty-six.
Pikirk: (Looks up and cries dramatically) Damn you, chief Czwakopasha!
Petrovich: Captain, I've just found out that the nest ship leaves a trace of uranium ions behind itself when making a jump. We can track this trace and follow them.
J'ohnny: Agreed, captain. Tracking traces and following is rational.
Pikirk: We have to take them by surprise, otherwise we'll have little chance of success.
J'ohnny: Makes sense, captain, but what can we do?
Scotty: (On the radio) Captain, while you were on that planet I finished working on my new device — engine silencer. Now, when we approach the nest ship they won't hear us.
Czwakopashas' ship interior. Looks sinister and extraterrestrial, as if the interior designer was inspired by colonoscopy. Pikirk, J'ohnny and Petrovich, armed with laser blasters that vaguely resemble Samsung TV-set remote controls, teleport to the ship.
Pikirk: Now we must steal up to the bridge, kill the captain and the trick is done.
J'ohnny: Makes sense, captain.
Pikirk, J'ohnny and Petrovich: (Steal through the ship corridors killing Czwakopashas on their way)
Czwakopashas: (Look like skeleton slugs with six arms and have flaming skulls with black eyes, into which, fortunately, nobody looks. Also, die.)
Czwakopashas' ship bridge. More colonoscopy, now with computer consoles in the walls. Ship captain stands in the centre
Pikirk and Petrovich: (Burst into the room, brandishing blasters and rolling their eyes wildly)
J'ohnny: (Bursts into the room, carefully holding his blaster and not rolling his eyes wildly)
Captain: Too late you came. My master plan I carried out. Late you are. Won't stop you me. Did I say that late you were?
Pikirk: Surrender, slug! You're alone against three of us. You stand no chance.
Captain: Of you three? How long for? (Shoots J'ohnny and Petrovich, heavily wounding both with a single shot)
J'ohnny and Petrovich: (Teleport back to "Triumph of Will")
Captain: As for you, Pikirk, different plans have I. Defeat a legendary captain in a fair fight an honour would be for me. Let's have a duel ceremonial.
Captain and Pikirk: (Fight with swords for some time)
Pikirk: (Wins and holds his sword by captain's throat) You lost, slug!
Captain: Oh, did I? My plan you can't withhold anyway. It's realising already.
Pikirk: I know you infected an alien woman with a nanovirus so she could infect me through sex, so you would transform a legendary captain into one of your kind. But I got cured of it, and your plan failed.
Captain: (Surprised) Love you made with her? My, aren't you horny! The plan was different… An ion bomb I put into her stomach, and right now it will blow up your ship.
"Triumph of Will" explodes
Sickbay of "Triumph of Will" cruiser. Captain Pikirk is lying in the bed and some futuristic device is sticking syringes into him. J'ohnny, Pinochet and Dr Ch'loss are standing around him.
Pikirk: (Regains consciousness and sees his crew) Hi, guys. Didn't you blow up?
Pikirk: So I'm in hell now?
J'ohnny: No, captain. Just because of Scotty's adhesive tape our ship survived the explosion. But the blast wave completely destroyed the nest ship.
Pinochet: I call that "carma".
Pikirk: Yeah, that'll teach them a lesson.
Petrovich's voice on the communicator: Captain, we've just received a message from the HQ. They got an SOS from the planet of Dodecahedron-5 where the orbital mining centre is situated. We're commanded to go there and sort everything up.
Пикирк: Lay a course to Dodecahedron-5.
Dodecahedron-5 orbit. Some enormous hickey is hanging in the foreground. "Triumph of Will" falls out of hyperspace.
Pikirk's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: evening. We didn't even recover of our battle with Czwakopashas' nest ship, and the HQ ordered us to sort out the accident in the "Khan's Wrath" orbital mining centre. Dr Prof Znoob Dogge suggested to conduct a memorial service in honour of our untimely dead crew members but I refused because no one knew their names and occupations. I dispatch an expedition to look for survivors.
"Khan's Wrath" corridors look like "Triumph of Will" corridors, but darker and with green alien letters written on the walls. Pinochet, Dogge and Pikirk, armed with laser blasters, and Petrovich, armed with portable scanner that looks like PSP, teleport there.
Pinochet: I don't like it here. Let's solve the case and get out from here.
Petrovich: I receive strange electromagnetic signals from behind that wall. Seems like computer.
Pikirk: We should get there until it's too late.
Spacious hall. A futuristic computer in the centre. Breathless Pinochet, Dogge, Pikirk and Petrovich burst in the room.
Dogge: Captain, why did we have to run through the corridors for half an hour when we could just teleport here?
Pikirk: Because I take care of your health. Don't you dare say that running wasn't good for you.
Petrovich: A bit more of your concern, captain, and I'll stir up a rebellion, I swear.
Dogge: (Comes close to the computer and sticks his finger into the screen) Captain, I don't understand it. We should call a master.
A mutilated corpse reanimated by some brand new technologies: (Bursts into the room, howling and brandishing his razor-arms.)
Petrovich: Space zombies attack!!
Pikirk: (Turns and shoots the space zombie)
Pinochet: Captain, are you aware that you've just ruined all our hopes for peace with a new lifeform?
Same place some time later. Ch'loss and J'ohnny teleport into the room.
Ch'loss: (Examines the corpse) The diagnosis is clear, captain. Some idiot stuffed him with lasers.
Pikirk: I noticed that, you see. But we'd especially like to know what drove him to such condition, so some idiot, name "me", could stuff him with lasers.
Ch'loss: Captain, I'm not a bloody doctor to know that. Wait, I am. Damn. Do not want. (Clutches his head and thinks)
J'ohnny: Captain, look what I've found!
Pikirk: (Looks on the screen) J'ohnny, my man, I'm a captain, not Kevin Mitnick. All zeros and ones look the same for me. Give me a hint, be so kind.
J'ohnny: Look closely, captain. Right here.
Pikirk: It's two. Quite unusual. But what does it mean?
J'ohnny: That two changes everything. Because of it the control programs are completely changed. Since only one thing can infiltrate two into a program code, 'twould be rational to suppose that the miners have found the legendary Absolute Computer.
Ch'loss: But Absolute Computer is a legend!
Dogge: Yes, doc. That's why he said "legendary".
J'ohnny: I foresee no other explanation. After all, Yeti, Acrilan Bogeyman and Space Hitler were also counted as legends, but all of them proved to be real.
Ch'loss: By the way, if we all are here, who's in control of the ship?
Ch'loss: Yes, but he's drunk as a cobbler.
Pinochet: Yes, but he's Scottish, it's good for him.
Suddenly "Triumph of Will" rams into "Khan's Wrath", letting out disgusting clanking. For a few seconds the screen dramatically darkens, then lightens again.
J'ohnny: 'Twould be rational to suppose, Mr Pinochet, that it's still bad for him.
The crew teleports back to the bridge. The action also takes place there.
Pikirk: Gentlemen, Absolute Computer must be destroyed. We should blow up the station to make it. Fall back and shoot the station to the blazes.
J'ohnny: Roger, captain. (Presses the button)
"Triumph of Will" crawls back and opens fire. Pretty soon there's nothing left of "Khan's Wrath".
Pikirk's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: night. We've successfully destroyed Absolute Computer and, feeling proud of ourselves, are returning to the base, despite our adventure should have lasted for another twenty minutes.
J'ohnny: Captain, I have terrible news. I checked our program codes and noticed a two in the system. 'Twould be rational to suppose that Absolute Computer made his way to our ship when "Triumph of Will" and "Khan's Wrath" came into contact.
Dogge: (Suddenly pulls out a laser blaster and points it at J'ohnny) I noticed that a two disappeared from codes. It means that Computer penetrated into someone's brain.
J'ohnny: But why me, Dr Prof?
Dogge: But why not?
Pikirk: (Points a laser blaster at Dogge) How could we know it's not in your brain?
Dogge: You should trust me, captain. However, no one knows for sure. You should shoot down both of us, it's the only way to make sure that Computer doesn't escape.
J'ohnny: Makes sense (Shoots Dogge, then himself)
Dogge: Motherf…! I said that so you could think I'm not Absolute Computer. I thought you would be smart enough to understand he wouldn't say so.
Petrovich: Captain, we finished the jump in unknown coordinates.
Pinochet: We laid a course to the star. In a couple of hours we'll come into contact. We can't change the course due to broken navigation console. We'll have to do it manually.
Pikirk: (To the radio) Scotty, could you change the polarity of neutrino exhaust so we don't roll into the star?
Voice on the radio, but not Scotty's one: Stupid organic beings. You can't stop me. I'll soon integrate with a star. As for your friend, he has other concerns now.
Scotty's voice on the radio: Captain, those bloody stiffs arose from the dead, grew meter-long claws and are trying to kill ol' Scotty. Do something!
Pikirk: What did he say?
Zombie: (Cuts a hole in the door and gets into it)
Pikirk: Okay, got it.
Pikirk and Petrovich slowly get through the walking-dead-infested corridors crushing everything on their way. Eventually, they get to the engine room and change the polarity of neutrino exhaust.
Pinochet's voice on the radio: Captain, we're not moving towards the star anymore, but we've launched a torpedo to it. I think Absolute Computer is inside it.
Some time later "Triumph of Will" turns around and makes a hyperspace jump. In the background, the star becomes the Matrix codes' colour, but a bit more sickening.
Pikirk's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: tomorrow. We're all glad to finally get rid of Absolute Computer. And though he infected the star and will soon infect everything else, it will be none of our business anymore. Over.
"Triumph of Will" is flying through cold, soul-sucking interstellar void under the accompaniment of some inappropriately dramatic music.
Pikirk's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: three and fourteen hundredths. "Triumph of Will" left Riegel-2 far behind and continues to patrol Sector 32, while everybody here is ready to hang themselves of boredom.
Ship bridge. The crew is wearily staring at the computers. Petrovich is trying to tap out some hopak on the keyboard of his workstation, but doesn't make it. J'ohnny is twiddling a rope trying to make a slip knot and hang himself. Pikirk is playing rock-paper-scissors with himself and becomes angry when loses. An alarm clock suddenly rings out. Everybody livens up.
Pinochet: Captain, there's a ship on the radar. Mutants Empire, without ID.
Everybody: (trying to look indifferent to the fact that something's finally happening)
Pikirk: Prepare to fight.
A spaceship, resembling a Soviet submarine that used to know better days, floats in the view. She and "Triumph of Will" start to close in, launching laser blasts into each other. The "submarine" launches a slowly flying, glowing sphere that rams into "Triumph of Will", causing powerful explosion and screen shaking. The action takes place on the bridge of "Triumph of Will".
Pinochet: Captain, we've been hit by an über-plasma torpedo bomb. The barriers are disabled. They're boarding us.
Two mutants: (Appear from nowhere, take Pikirk's arms and disappear)
J'ohnny: Mister Pinochet, seems like you're the new captain.
Petrovich: Why him?
Pinochet: Yeah, why me?
J'ohnny: Because I said so. Is there a problem?
Pinochet: No, sir, excuse me. I will be a captain, just don't hit me.
Mutants' ship interior. It's dark, cold and scary inside. Captain Pikirk is tied to a chair in the centre. A mutant officer is bending above him, menacingly twitching his tail.
Pikirk: You kidnapped an officer of the Space Fleet. You think you'll get away with it? Well, you won't.
Officer: Your courage is praiseworthy, Captain Pikirk. Tell me what I want to hear and I will not torture you.
Pikirk: You're such a dear, I love you.
Officer: Almost hit the mark.
For a few seconds the camera faces a metal door from behind which Pikirk's cries are heard. Also, sounds of a drill, a chainsaw, and Venerian slugs' squeaking.
Pikirk's voice: Okay, I'll tell you everything, just stop cutting those slugs, what's your problem with them?
Bridge of "Triumph of Will".
Pinochet: (Desperately looks through the "Captainship for Dummies" book) Morale, gunning control, losses and damage… I can't stand it anymore. Everything's so confused. I wish captain was back.
Petrovich: Captain, Mutants Empire ship on the radar!
Pinochet: Captain! He's back?! Ah yeah. Shit. Well, er, open fire.
Dogge: Direct hit!
Screen shakes, sophisticated devices spark, everybody falls down.
Pinochet: (Stands up) Crew, all alive?
Ch'loss: We are, but you aren't perhaps, chief. Some piece of iron sticks out of your lung.
Pinochet: Oh really? (Looks at his torso and sees a meter-long, razor-sharp iron piece jutting out) Oh… (Falls unconscious)
J'ohnny: Comrade Petrovich, now you're the captain.
Petrovich: Hooray! It's an advance for fleet democracy.
The action takes place on mutants' ship again. The mutant officer is torturing Pikirk with scorpions.
Officer: Tell me what I want to know, captain, and I won't feed you to man-eating scorpions.
Pikirk: But what do you want to know actually, noble sir? You've been tormenting me with euphemisms and metaphores for two hours already.
Officer: (Rages) PASSWORDS!!! Tell me the PASSWORDS!!!
Pikirk: Okay. Eight.
Pikirk: Eight what?
Pikirk: I don't know, you asked for passwords. I don't remember many passwords, but there's an eight somewhere.
Officer: (Clutches his head and runs out of the room, cursing)
Pretty well damaged "Triumph of Will" drifts in space.
Petrovich's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: first year of new era. Now I'm the captain and there's going to be a lot of changes aboard. Firstly, everybody has to grow sidewhiskers…
The action takes place on the bridge. Again.
J'ohnny: Captain, the mutants' ship has appeared on our radar again. They are going to attack us.
Petrovich: Well then… (Expresses thinking) Victory or death! Let's face them!
J'ohnny: Captain, it's the most absurd order I've ever heard.
Petrovich: I don't give a damn. Advance, for the Motherland!
"Triumph of Will" rams into the mutants' ship. Both vessels are quite crushed because of that adventure. The action returns to the bridge.
Petrovich's legs: (Stick out of a large tank that stands on the bridge for some reason) Hey, slaves, get me out of here. I'm your captain, damn you!
J'ohnny: Gentlemen, where's comrade Petrovich?
Ch'loss: Don't know. didn't see him.
J'ohnny: Dr Prof, now you're the captain, obviously.
Dogge: Oh yeah, baby! Would like to see my auntie Morlice's face right now. (Mocking) "Znoobie, eat more chops or you'd never be big and strong and never become a Space Fleet captain." Ha-ha! Snorks, auntie! (Performs a triumphant dance)
Two ships have mixed into a pile of debris and drift the space now into unknown direction.
Dogge's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: seventy-nine and a half. Under the command of our previous captain we rammed into the enemy's ship and now we have no idea what to do with the consequences of his brilliant order.
And again the action takes place on a bridge.
J'ohnny: Captain, what's your sophisticated plan?
Dogge: Dunno, but we have to rescue Pikirk. Without him we'll fall into decay and anarchy. Two more changes of leadership and there'd be no one left on the bridge.
Ch'loss: So what are you going to do, captain?
Dogge: I'm off to look for some volunteers ready to sacrifice their lives for the captain. We'll board them. (Exits)
J'ohnny: So, doctor, now you're the captain.
Ch'loss: Oh great, I'm the captain. I've got the power, yeah. Where can I use it?! Got it. (Speaks to Pinochet who's still lying on the floor in a pool of blood) Tiberius, rise and shine. I'm the captain, I command you. Here, I'm the captain, but it's no use.
Meanwhile on board of the mutants' ship Dr Prof Dogge and his boarding gang fight through the ship corridors. At Pikirk's current location the following dialogue takes place:
Officer: Passwords! Tell me the passwords! I ask you kindly for the very last time, tell me the passwords!
Pikirk: (Secretly unties himself) I could tell you the passwords. (Pulls out the officer's blaster) But then I'd have to kill you! (Shoots through his head)
Officer: (Falls down and dies, what a surprise)
Dogge: (Bursts into the room holding a blaster) Well said, captain.
Dogge and Pikirk: (Teleport back to "Triumph of Will")
"Triumph of Will" detaches from the mutants' crushed ship allowing it to fall apart.
Pikirk's voice: Captain's log. Stellar date: minus four. Today's events made me revise my attitude to the crew. All of them are incompetent power-hungry blockheads that are unable to handle even a toy car, not mentioning a huge spaceship, and lazybones that don't care of their duties. One of them even spattered my precious floor with blood. I intend to keep them far from command. However, we don't need to patrol Sector 32 anymore, for we're heading to the Space Fleet base to make up for our losses and damage. Over.